Haven't got on here in such a long time! Very interesting to read that last post. When i was prego with brayden. Whom is now almost a year and a half. Funny how fast time flies. So much has changed i don't even know where to begain. Things went down hill for a BIT i think we are slowly creeping up the hill now. Kevin broke it off with me at the end of july. Really broke my heart tbh. But i think it needed to be done. It was best i have so much to change with my self. I need to better my self before i can be in that relationship. I am on the right track though. Got into school over at kaplan university. Not going for art like i would of liked to but hey going for medical assistant. That will make us money right?! Two years from now, ill be a high rollaaa. I'm just really looking forward to not being poor anymore. I can't wait to stop being stressed about bills or the car payment or getting my car fixed so it doesn't squeak like crazy when i turn the wheel. I can't wait to support this family more then i have been. It's not that i don't want to its that i can't. With school and the fact i don't have a baby sitter, its just hard to get the hours i need to make the money. Still at express. Love it there. Honestly express has turned into a home away from home, with my managers being the most amazing girls in this world. So helpful, so incredibly nice. They go above and beyond being managers they really do. Anyways after i had brayden we moved out of kevins parents into our own apartment to get away from it all. Which isn't as easy as it is said. Drama knocks at my window calls my phone texts me annoys me. I don't want a part of it in mylife or my sons life.
As a little girl growing up i always told my self when i have kids i want them to grow up and have everything i didn't. First off i want my children to have a daddy. A great daddy. A man to look up to. Two positive influences on their lives. And i say their.... i might only have one now but down the road when we are financially stable i want another. But fact is i want to give my children the world. I want to show them where their parents came from and how we both made it out alive. And some people arn't as lucky as we are to have been strong enough to not let the pressure of living that life take over ours. I grew up with an amazing mother who protected me from the father who dosesn't deserve a child, and he grew up with that father that doesn't deserve a child. I tell him im sorry he had to grow up knowing him. Because i never want to know my fat her. This is what made us strong. For me its not knowing, and now i know bits and peices. I really don't want to know the whole story it'd break my heart.
As of now not quite positive where me and kevin stand as a couple? or what ever we are. But fact is i love him with all my heart always will. He will always be my number one lover. lol I know he feels it too whether he admits it or not. But i feel the chemesty in the air, and its kinda like this resistence isn't possible with me and him. He still gives me butterflys like the first day we met, and our first kiss together in the borders parking lot. I still remember what i was whereing, how it happend where we were standing what we were in borders looking for. I remeber it like it was yesterday. One of the most amazing days in my life. I cherish the moments we had together where we were happy. I feel like we are getting back there though. We don't fight as much, we acknowledge when we do something wrong by actually saying sorry. Just the little things really make all the difference. Like thank yous. Maybe we're not saying i love you like we used to. But im not going to push things, i can only live in the moment right now. I cant ask for more but enjoy it while it last, and hopefully it last the rest of our lives. But if it doesn't i know one thing for sure it was an amazing roller coaster ride. The trouble we got into together, the trouble we got out of together, the fire at the beach. The old port summer. ups and downs. The secrets we keep to this day. He's my best friends, my companion. I feel like we grew up together. Which we didn't but in the past 3 and a half years the both of us have grown up a lot. And its really showing. Both of us just needed to take a step up and mature. Not that we we'rnt but we definantly needed to stop fighting over little things. We needed to appriciate the little things. Which i feel like we do now. Or atleast i see things better now.
Moving on.. . plans for the future... finish school first off and do amazing at it. I slacked in high school nows the time to step up my game and live up to my true potential. I am no where near perfect never will be but i can get an A! After school plans are move as far away from this place as possible this place is full of negative energy. Which destroys my positive state of mind im trying to keep. I'm staying sain, and ignoring all negativity as best i can. Trying to reduce my anger problems by telling my self to chill out and take a breath. Its sorta working with the road rage. Still got a lot to work on with that though. Need to stop the swearing. Started saying ship instead of shit. LOL its a start right. I wanna move to cali when i get done with school and we are in a better fiancial state. I want to buy a house, and a dog. Have another baby and cross my fingers its a girl. Goal to start having another one by is by time brayden is three start trying. but if we don't have the money ill start trying when he is four. Probably better that way.. After one more child thats it. I'll probably change my mind when the time comes around. But who knows. We will see..
For now ill live in the present. Live love and enjoy the life i do have out front of me while it last.
Actually feeling happy for once in a long long time. and if feels so good. <3
'
| 
