Adorkable l Sign In l Xanga l Private l Sign Out
xRobot_____x3
read my profile
sign my guestbook

Visit xRobot_____x3's Xanga Site!

Name: Samantha
Location: Lewiston, Maine, United States
Birthday: 6/18/1989
Gender: Female


Message: message me


Member Since: 12/26/2005

SubscriptionsSites I Read

Groups Blogrings
Coked-Out Glam
previous - random - next

TRASHION
previous - random - next

jesus getting anally raped in a spaceship.
previous - random - next

Model Thin
previous - random - next

Grindcore is art.
previous - random - next

Alice in Hungerland.
previous - random - next

cocaine
previous - random - next


Posting Calendar

|<< oldest | newest >>|
view all weblog archives

Get Involved!

Suggest a link

Recommend to friend

Create a site


Sunday, January 16, 2011

lots and lots i miss :(

Currently im looking back on the past couple years and missing everything. I remember things like they were yesterday. I remember having friends to hangout with and actually having a life. Ofcourse having a baby changes a lot don't get me wrong. I am so proud of my self for doing the things ive accomplished. I am extreamly proud to call my self a mommy. It was an extreamly hard step in my life that i took. I think of my little boy as a blessing. He was ment to be. Things don't always work the way i want them too. And i think some how i live a dream. I used to look at life with positive thoughts like we made it this far we can make it double as long now. But i made my mistakes things I'm not proud of. I guess i dugg my own grave. I'm sorry for everything i've ever done to hurt anyone. At one point in time i have been a pretty crule person. In other terms i've been called a Cold hearted Bitch. Those words sting... No u didnt call me it but point is i guess its facts... i used to be her the cold hearted bitch now im her the depressed one who just had a little ray of hope and got it smashed... So now im trying my best to keep my self motivated for me for brayden. not for you anymore. I know i get angry too easily and im trying to change that about my self. not for you anymore because its been made pretty clear you can't make up your mind so im sorry im not waiting anymore. im moving on. not in the sence im looking but my eyes are open. Oppertunitys are out there for me and ill continue to push my self so i get somewhere in my life. I'm not sticking around anymore. maine is just depressing and reminds me of all the memorys i just wish didnt exsist.

 

im a mother now not in the cercumstances i would of liked to be a mother. this is disspointing to my self. i have a horrible life set right now. My job bairly pays i've been there three years... i dont have day care so i cant work more... my relationship status is split up because im certain its because of me my behavor and my ungreatfulness. i thought we would be together for ever i guess i was wrong... but then again its my fault i let the worst of me get the best of me. i should of thought about things more before i did them and i should of took things more seriously. But i guess i was too confident that we were ment to be. maybe we were maybe were not but i ruined it anyways . so i guess it doesnt matter.

 

i guess i dwel on the past too much. wishing hoping trying to think positive but then reality hits me and i miss it. i miss cuddling i miss kissing. i miss you like you have no idea. i miss saying i love you when i drop you off at work or getting off the phone with you. i miss being loved and loving back. i say it in my head most of the time when i drop you off i guess its kind of habbit. but i really do still love you. you think i hate you and i dont. i think i get jelous too easily and thats another spiral to this downward area were going. im sorry for wat i said but i just cant help but thinking that im not good enough anymore. like you got me when i was pretty and perfect and had a great personality fun to be around. and then now i let my self go. not because i want to it just happened. i didnt dress up much when i was pregnant i never felt good always sick. and then when i started feeling better i tried my best to dress up more but i guess its not good enough anyways. so not for you anymore never for you again. for me because i've realize one thing out of these past 3 years... if you cant love me for my messy hair and the make up i dont feel like wearing because i felt comfortable around you then you arn't worth it. i mean i love you and always will and probably will never find happyness the way you made me happy. but if you seriously change your mind like you change your socks then i guess its not ment to be. im not interested in impressing anyone. its NOT high school nor middle school. im an adult and if i cant find someoen who loves me for the stupid things i do or the way i lack makeup most days then i guess im just ment to be alone.

 

i wanted a family with you i didnt want to be a single mother. i wanted to be together and give it all we have together. love each other set a good example for brayden when he's older and can love a girl. but things dont always work out. i dont want to let you go but when the time comes if you dont come around i will. ill leave you behind as hard as that is for me to say but i can't sit here fake a smile fake a laugh and pretend like everythings ok because its not. im incredibly depressed. my life has fallen apart so fast and i didnt do anything to stop it until its too late. but i do want you to know one last thing.

 

im sorry you even met me because i deffinently wasn't worth your time. so sorry i wasted three years of your life and took away from your social life. but i did ask you if this is what you wanted and you said yes. i only did what i thought was best for you and us. and it was hard for me to do the things i did. but in the end it was ment to be and i dont regret anything. i just regret turning into a monster i swore id never be but i guess i became that monster and destroyed the one thing in my life that actually felt incredible and amazing and lifted my spirtits....

 

i cant rewind time i can only let it pass and hope things heal.  but your dead set on one thing and i am not part of it.


Saturday, December 11, 2010

Life <3

Haven't got on here in such a long time! Very interesting to read that last post. When i was prego with brayden. Whom is now almost a year and a half. Funny how fast time flies. So much has changed i don't even know where to begain. Things went down hill for a BIT i think we are slowly creeping up the hill now. Kevin broke it off with me at the end of july. Really broke my heart tbh. But i think it needed to be done. It was best i have so much to change with my self. I need to better my self before i can be in that relationship. I am on the right track though. Got into school over at kaplan university. Not going for art like i would of liked to but hey going for medical assistant. That will make us money right?! Two years from now, ill be a high rollaaa. I'm just really looking forward to not being poor anymore. I can't wait to stop being stressed about bills or the car payment or getting my car fixed so it doesn't squeak like crazy when i turn the wheel. I can't wait to support this family more then i have been. It's not that i don't want to its that i can't. With school and the fact i don't have a baby sitter, its just hard to get the hours i need to make the money. Still at express. Love it there. Honestly express has turned into a home away from home, with my managers being the most amazing girls in this world. So helpful, so incredibly nice. They go above and beyond being managers they really do. Anyways after i had brayden we moved out of kevins parents into our own apartment to get away from it all. Which isn't as easy as it is said. Drama knocks at my window calls my phone texts me annoys me. I don't want a part of it in mylife or my sons life.

As a little girl growing up i always told my self when i have kids i want them to grow up and have everything i didn't. First off i want my children to have a daddy. A great daddy. A man to look up to. Two positive influences on their lives. And i say their.... i might only have one now but down the road when we are financially stable i want another. But fact is i want to give  my children the world. I want to show them where their parents came from and how we both made it out alive. And some people arn't as lucky as we are to have been strong enough to not let the pressure of living that life take over ours. I grew up with an amazing mother who protected me from the father who dosesn't deserve a child, and he grew up with that father that doesn't deserve  a child. I tell him im sorry he had to grow up knowing him. Because i never want to know my fat her. This is what made us strong. For me its not knowing, and now i know bits and peices. I really don't want to know the whole story it'd break my heart.

 

As of now not quite positive where me and kevin stand as a couple? or what ever we are. But fact is i love him with all my heart always will. He will always be my number one lover. lol I know he feels it too whether he admits it or not. But i feel the chemesty in the air, and its kinda like this resistence isn't possible with me and him. He still gives me butterflys like the first day we met, and our first kiss together in the borders parking lot. I still remember what i was whereing, how it happend where we were standing what we were in borders looking for. I remeber it like it was yesterday. One of the most amazing days in my life. I cherish the moments we had together where we were happy. I feel like we are getting back there though. We don't fight as much, we acknowledge when we do something wrong by actually saying sorry. Just the little things really make all the difference. Like thank yous. Maybe we're not saying i love you like we used to. But im not going to push things, i can only live in the moment right now. I cant ask for more but enjoy it while it last, and hopefully it last the rest of our lives. But if it doesn't i know one thing for sure it was an amazing roller coaster ride. The trouble we got into together, the trouble we got out of together, the fire at the beach. The old port summer. ups and downs. The secrets we keep to this day. He's my best friends, my companion. I feel like we grew up together. Which we didn't but in the past 3 and a half years the both of us have grown up a lot. And its really showing. Both of us just needed to take a step up and mature. Not that we we'rnt but we definantly needed to stop fighting over little things. We needed to appriciate the little things. Which i feel like we do now. Or atleast i see things better now.

 

 


Moving on.. . plans for the future... finish school first off and do amazing at it. I slacked in high school nows the time to step up my game and live up to my true potential. I am no where near perfect never will be but i can get an A! After school plans are move as far away from this place as possible this place is full of negative energy. Which destroys my positive state of mind im trying to keep. I'm staying sain, and ignoring all negativity as best i can. Trying to reduce my anger problems by telling my self to chill out and take a breath. Its sorta working with the road rage. Still got a lot to work on with that though. Need to stop the swearing. Started saying ship instead of shit. LOL its a start right. I wanna move to cali when i get done with school and we are in a better fiancial state. I want to buy a house, and a dog. Have another baby and cross my fingers its a girl. Goal to start having another one by is by time brayden is three start trying. but if we don't have the money ill start trying when he is four. Probably better that way.. After one more child thats it. I'll probably change my mind when the time comes around. But who knows. We will see..

 

For now ill live in the present. Live love and enjoy the life i do have out front of me while it last.

Actually feeling happy for once in a long long time. and if feels so good. <3

 


'


Wednesday, January 09, 2008

  Samantha May


Myspace

So Life is changing a lot lately. I'm still with kevin its been so long now. Almost two years.... Kind of crazy. We've been dating since aug 27 of 07 so its pretty intense. I love him more then life hes everything to me. I'm really glad im with him and its not someone else. We're having a baby together so im pretty excited about that. Its a little boy. I'm not sure what im naming him yet but june 12th is my due date so i better think of something fast. Any ideas? leave me a comment and tell me? I want something unique something no one would name there son.

Oh we got a puppy his name is bear. He's husky and labordoodle mix so cute. Baby blue eyes hes sleeping right now its so cute. He runs and barks and growls in his sleep. I've never seen or heard a dog talking in his sleep before. Its pretty much addorible.

I still work at express i went to forever 21 for a few months but it wasnt for me so i came back to my home at express. Glad i did to cus those girls are amazing i missed them. So many new people though so hard to keep track of everyone. I've probably been there the longest now. It's nice working there, i just feel so at home like its not work this store is my home.

I'm growing up so quick its crazy. I turn 20 june 18th ..... one more year and ill be able to buy booze haha.




  








<